Our first words to each other

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Words, people like to dismiss them, as if they have very little meaning and impact. When in reality they are the essence of our lives and communications.

As people have gleaned by now I met my husband online on a social media website, a chat room, Freeserve to be exact and what plays on my mind even to this day and makes me smirk were the first words we ever typed to one another, it went a little something like this.

He asked me where I was from (living) and i said Cardiff, he said “Wow, that’s far” (he had already told me he was from London) and i responded “Don’t worry, it’s not like we’re going to get married or anything”. This was the first time i had ever had an interaction with him. I don’t know what possessed me to say this to a random man on the internet the first time i interacted with him but i did (shrugs). We were not seeking anything at the time. I don’t remember his response, i don’t think he even said anything back certainly not anything memorable 😉

But yeah…. words you can utter something in passing without paying much attention to what you are saying, later on you may realise the impact of what you or someone else had said that’s of very little significance at the time but it changes the world for you.

Thanks for reading. Please like, comment, share and follow for two new blogs per month.

I’m thinking of writing a short marriage series, the context of ‘how to stay married’ a lot of emphasis is put on getting married but not as much talk on staying married and with high divorce rates much more talk needs to be done on this. Feedback from you, is that something you would be interested in? Let me know.

 

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Memory

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I was looking for a paragraph in Mike Tyson’s autobiography and something come to my mind about reading and memory, I was going to put it in my 30 Quotes blog post but I didn’t. With all the relationship talk on Twitter and in blogs that I read, this quote was still playing on my mind because I fee like people do this without maybe even realising with the opposite sex, even though what people really want is a genuine fulfilling relationship, what do you think?

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When I read I have an ‘ability’ to commit what I’m reading to memory, automatically if you will, books, articles etc… I’ve not looked into this to find out what it’s all about or how common this is but it’s something I’ve been able to do for a while. I remember when I was at university and I was revising for my exams, when I was in the exam hall I would sit and think I could visualise what I had read, the paper, the page numbers, I could see it in my ‘minds eye’ or whatever it is called and that is how I would recall information. I don’t know whether it’s a photographic memory because at the same time I cannot recall people’s faces for the life of me, If I had to pick out a person in a line up I think I wouldn’t even be able to.

Don’t get me wrong this doesn’t make me a genius in any sense of the word nor did it get me a first in university and a lot of the time I don’t remember stuff especially when I’m not that interested in a text. Also I think I do it more so with books and papers then on the computer. I read Mike’s book twice recently in a short space of time and I really enjoyed it, I was looking for the paragraph, I knew it was near the back because it’s about him working on himself and having realisations about his actions, there was a photo in the book near the back and I used that as a point of reference and boom under 30 seconds I found the paragraph, I knew I would find it quickly.

I read Malcolm x’s autobiography over 10 years ago, twice and I still can recall the book. It’s my favourite book and changed my life. I can still recall where I was reading it, how I wanted to get it, how I went about it and I can still visualise the text and pages and quote parts of it.

I also recall when I was talking to one of my barristers at court about some papers, I quickly glanced and read it, somehow it stuck in my mind. A little later my barrister started telling me what’s on the paper and I said no you’re wrong read it again on that page this is what it says, I was correct. But for the life of me I cannot recall the trial, court case and a lot of the conversations I had with my lawyers and that whole ordeal went on for 14 months. I think it’s because I was so traumatized by it my mind blocked it out. My husband will talk about it to this day and say this happened, remember when so and so said/did that, I can’t remember any of it.

I love reading and this certainly is useful and always found it cool, hopefully I can use it further to benefit me especially with Islamic Studies. It’s a blessing what we can do with our mind and brain power and we should utilise sources such as reading to increase us in knowledge because knowledge is power and having a good memory is certainly a great blessing from the almighty in this fast paced life we live today.

Does anyone else have this type of trait when reading? Or to do with memory? Leave a comment in the comments sections, Thanks for Reading 🙂 Please like, share and follow for 2 new blogs a month.

Love.Internet.Connection

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I watched a programme on the TV about Apps, Dating Apps, Ok Cupid, Tinder etc.. It was talking about the popular trend of men and women using them at a high rate to meet someone for dating and other purposes. Meeting on the internet is one of the most popular ways today with the advancement of the internet, social media and apps facilitating this, you are just a notification away.

When I was watching the programme the presenter was talking to some of the women, the women said that they use these apps to meet guys have some fun but didn’t want to get too close to anyone. When asked why, she said she was afraid of getting hurt, rejected and he was probably doing the same thing with other women so she didn’t want to get attached to anybody.

I found this interesting because as a female I know the general way women think and feel. Women are obviously different to each other. We have society pulling us in this and that direction with brainwashing to think certain ways, at the same time indirectly being told that this is coming from ourselves especially in the west but still we share a basic common nature, it’s the way we are created.

So I’m active on Twitter and see a bit from MT (Muslim Twitter) a lot of the younger men and women are talking about marriage A LOT. Anything from trying to stay away from sin and dating, wanting to marry and having trouble finding someone, what they’re looking for in a spouse, Mahr, polygyny etc… Whatever it is, a basic common theme arises in both these scenarios I believe and that is people want to connect with someone but they are finding difficulty in doing so.

So why is it with everything being made easier, quicker and literally at our fingertips people are finding it difficult? People have an internet connection but are lacking in a real human one.

I believe it can be for a number of reasons;

Apps – These Apps like Tinder, Ok Cupid etc.. and this wave of hook up culture and dating, many people are using them to satisfy their basic sexual desires. They’re going from one person to the next without any real substance not emotionally investing. It’s something new, exciting and addictive and when you encounter any problems you can just finish it with one person and move onto the next. But that wears off and quickly and leaves a person feeling unfulfilled, so people continue on in this cycle believing it’s a right of passage until they settle down. Even if people do settle down this has to have some sort of effect, look at the statistics of divorce rates in correlation to sexual partners. Also no matter how much women try to convince themselves that they can ‘act like men’ in regards to sex, they cannot. Women are emotional and sex and intimacy IS emotional. Also if people are offering sex and intimacy without a relationship what reason is there for one? (This is pertaining to relationships outside of Islam, there is wisdom why it is impermissible as you can see with all the problems in the world currently).

Options – There are so many people now at your finger tips, people you wouldn’t have otherwise met from all over the world. It has broadened our options at the same time constricted them leaving people over exposed and giving a false sense of security with men and women not ‘settling’ because there could be an option of someone better out there so let me wait and see. Having too many options for a person can be wholly unsatisfying. I was reading about when a person is presented with more options of a product then less in a supermarket, they are less satisfied with their choice when they have more options, same psychology perhaps.

Having Fun and Biding Time – Even though a lot of people talk about marriage on MT I don’t know how many are genuinely looking for it. Getting married is a major event in one’s life and the majority of people only want to do it once (polygyny excluded). We can see from the high level of divorce and remarry rates nowadays this is simply not the case, never the less people want to get it right. With social media like never before people have been able to interact at all times from their devices, that separation curtain has effectively been lifted and the topic of free mixing and Haya (modesty/shyness) comes into play and is often talked about also. I think more so in regards to women but that’s another topic. So why when you are young, studying, trying to make money, climbing the career ladder would you get married when you can use social media with the opposite sex like you have never been able to before, lifting those once imposed restrictions. Muslims know the limits within the religion but they are getting blurred on social media much more than they do in the real world.

The Addiction of Notifications and Attention – I watched a YouTube video that said social media is known to be more addictive than crack cocaine, I’ve not tried crack but i agree. Social media is highly addictive it is easy to keep looking and checking your phone, I do it often and have to restrict myself. Being on social media can lead to people wanting and craving attention from others, from posting photos and receiving likes/comments which then spurs them to post more, RT’s, conversations, DM’s, it is allowing people to engage with multiple people at once. Why give up the attention of multiple people for one, for some it can be something hard to do. #HashtagWomenLoveAttention

These Bro’s/Sisters Aint Loyal – I see A LOT of people writing their grievances on Twitter about the opposite sex, cheating is a foremost topic, this can be interlinked with the above points. I see posts about guys AND girls talking to X amount of people privately and in turn people feel they are not being loyal and trying it/getting it with anyone and everyone. The more people see this the more people will think this, there will be more doubts in a person’s mind to whether someone is genuinely interested in them or if they are one of a number, diminishing trust further of the opposite sex. This also causes major problems with people already in relationships if someone is flirting and speaking with everyone the same then who is special? Everyone likes to feel special…even men. (My husband’s comment). There are even adulteress websites, all this made to connect with one another and yet it’s more broken than ever.

Hyper-sexuality – The mystery and intrigue is dying. These sites are becoming like porn sites with over exposed, under-dressed women. Yes, I mainly say women because this is where the main visual hyper-sexuality lies, a woman’s body and sex sells. Men don’t have to chase, put in effort or work hard anymore, why settle when you have so much and it comes so easy from so many people. This imagery can affect men and their relationships with women. The research on how negatively porn is affecting men confirms this.

Life Comparisons and Feeling Unsatisfied –  Seeing photo’s of someone else’s life, beauty, spouse leads to jealousy, envy and dissatisfaction of one’s own life and blessings. It creates competitiveness, fitnah (trial/distress/unrest) can cause evil eye and depression when it is a persona they are seeing and not the full picture of people’s lives.

Gender Roles, Men are Trash Women are Trash –  I’ve seen this ‘statement’ numerous times on twitter. People are hurt left and right they feel like people are playing games and running game and they’re not holding up their end of the bargain and acting like men and women should. Complaining about the opposite sex like they are the enemy when in all actuality they just want to get close to one another. I see tedious 10 thread conversations of LOL and ‘I know you are but what am I’ between guys and girls this is how badly they want to speak to one another!!

In reality what people are looking for is love and to be loved for and cared for and a proper relationship with a real connection.

Meeting and Marrying from the Internet

I met my husband Online. It was at a time when this was not the norm or common at all and still very much a taboo, you were weird or a loser. It was like saying you met someone in prison in today’s terms it was that taboo, crazy I know because of how normal it has become. Because it wasn’t something you didn’t do it wasn’t something I was looking for or even anticipating happening. I see people talking about whether you should or shouldn’t look for someone online, whether it will work, for me it worked out Alhumdilillah. On social media I would advice people not to look for it but if you meet somebody it can be something that you can consider.

I Don’t Know If He’s Serious

I see this also, if you have met someone via social media and are interested in them for marriage I would advice a person to get real and serious quickly because if you don’t you can fall into all sorts of problems. The litmus test for me, there may be brothers saying they like you want to marry you, this is what I did, I told my husband you have one week to call my father, I gave him my father’s phone number and told my father someone may be calling in regards to marriage. I said call or don’t contact me again, my personality is such that I wouldn’t have spoken to him again and he knew that. I didn’t think he would call so I had already thought in my head ok I need to tell my family I’m looking to get married. He called the next day I was completely shocked when my father told me. He came the following weekend with his parents to my dad’s house and as they say the rest is history. If a man is serious about you he will make the necessary steps, money may be an issue for people but my husband was working in a supermarket at the time and still stepped up to the plate like a man and Allah increased our rizq (wealth) soon after we got married when he got his current job. Parents may also have a problem with job, money and marrying outside of the culture which is causing the youth a lot of problems and needs changing to help their children living in these current times.

In Conclusion

Those that are genuinely looking for marriage online or by traditional methods have to be serious, exhaust your efforts, use the matrimonial sites that have a good reputation it wont hurt to try, if you don’t like it u can leave. Get parents, relatives, friends, mosque in the know and make sincere Dua to Allah, he is the provider and it will happen God willing. I would advice not to look on social media but if you do come across someone like I did, get serious quickly, get parents involved otherwise there will be problems, talking to many of the opposite sex like this will not fulfil your heart.

What do you think about the problems I say have arisen? Do you think there are any further? What about solutions?

 

Thanks for reading. Please like, comment, share and follow for two new blogs per month.